I Grow Tomatoes

Here is my evolution, as a tomato grower, thus far:
Stage one:
  1. Buy tomato plant at Mega-Hardware store.
  2. Dig hole, put plant in hole.
  3. Water now and again.
  4. Harvest tomatoes
Stage two:
  1. Buy tomato plant at Mega-Hardware store.
  2. Dig hole, put plant in hole.
  3. Water now and again.
  4. Oops! the plant is all rickety and small
  5. Buy fertilizer at Mega-Hardware store
  6. Feed tomato plant
  7. Harvest a few tomatoes
Stage three:
  1. Buy tomato plant at Mega-Hardware store.
  2. Dig hole, put plant in hole.
  3. Water now and again.
  4. Oops! The leaves look gray and they are falling off
  5. Oops! What are these tiny bugs and what’s with the ants!
  6. Oops! My plant is growing mostly leaves and no fruit!
  7. Buy chemical spray for blight
  8. Buy chemical spray for bugs
  9. Learn about soil testing and test soil
  10. Learn what N-P-K stands for
  11. Apply all above knowledge as best you can
  12. Harvest some tomatoes.
Stage four:
  1. Buy tomato plant at Mega-Hardware store.
  2. Dig hole, put plant in hole.
  3. Water now and again.
  4. Oops! Read on various websites and blogs about how bad all the stuff you did last season is for you and everyone else.
  5. Learn about organic
  6. Start a compost pile
  7. Learn that doing compost the right way takes a degree in Chemistry
  8. Learn that maybe the tomato you bought was sick to begin with
  9. Read and learn about starting your own plants from seed
  10. Spent your inheritance on garden supplies to grow your own plants
  11. Spend your children’s inheritance on garden supplies ‘you need’
  12. Harvest tomatoes
  13. Get ready for next season by buying seeds of 100 tomato varieties because the catalogs got you all excited about them.
Stage five
  1. Sow seeds inside.
  2. Use all your living space to accomodate 200 seedlings
  3. Use all your money on electricity and water to keep seedlings alive
  4. Plant 200 tomato plants
  5. Apply the now encyclopedial knowledge you have to growing tomatoes
  6. Harvest LOTS of tomatoes.
  7. Wonder about what the heck you will do with all these tomatoes!
  8. Become an expert in canning and freezing
  9. Apply Ninja skills to scurrying around at night leaving tomatoes in people’s door steps.
  10. Ignore all contact with other human beings while you strive to keep all your plants watered and weeded.
  11. Cry at night, softly and by yourself.
  12. Pray for the first frost of the season to liberate you.
  13. Harvest more tomatoes
  14. Yearn for Stage One.
  15. Get seed catalogs and get all hopeful again for next season.

Over and out.

Posted in Spring. 9 Comments »

9 Responses to “I Grow Tomatoes”

  1. Gardener on Sherlock Street Says:

    I love your evolution.
    Enjoy your tomatoes!
    Is there a food bank in your area that would appreciate your extras?

  2. Love Local Food Says:

    ๐Ÿ™‚ Chris and I are laughing – we completely understand. We had 50 tomato plants, 30 eggplant, 30 squash in our office this year. (Along with three baby chicks.) It was a bit out of control, the seed catalogs got us excited too. So, this year we’re learning all about preserving too!

  3. Princessdiva Says:

    Oh my gosh!! I needed that laugh!! I feel your pain man!! Enjoy all those mater’s–around these parts, people lock their cars on Sunday mornings at church to keep people from putting veggies in when they aren’t looking!! (not really–but we sure joke about it!)

    • yaquigrande Says:

      There is a program called Grow a Row for the Hungry. If I end up with more than I can handle, I will sure give them a call.

      Love Local Food,
      It is good that all of our “troubles” lead us into learning more about our own food.

      How funny! I think people are starting to avoid me. I tried to give away tomato plants and I did give a few away but most people just politely declined…it’s ok, next season i will be more conservative in my seed sowing.

  4. Gardener on Sherlock Street Says:

    ~David in Kansas
    Check out my post on June 1st. There will be something there for you!

  5. Ottawa Gardener Says:

    I hear ya!

    Stage six: Plant less tomatoes because you learned your lesson last year but end up being a suck at thinning so have almost as much BUT give some away to OTHER people. Forget to water. Forget to trellis (again) and envy that really organized gardener (again) that pinches off side branches and stakes their tomatoes. Despite drought, floods and blight, harvest a tonne of tomatoes. Eat lots. Toss lots whole into freezer bags. Oh yeah, make some sauce. Leave hundreds of eggplants around the neighbourhood on people’s doorstep. Remind yourself that like tomatoes, plants start off small…

    I could write a stage 7 but I’ll spare you.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    • yaquigrande Says:

      Gardener, I can’t wait!

      Ottawa Gardener,
      Oh I know there are more stages I will go through. Thank you for giving me a brief glimpse into the future! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Window On The Prairie Says:

    LOL. I love the part about waiting for the first frost to liberate you from the garden. I do this every year, but have never whispered it to a soul. Tee hee.

  7. April Says:

    Bwahahaha! If ONLY I had read this before being the recipient of 20 tomato babies! I am now liberated and educated!

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